Self Resentment

I am an idiot. When it comes to schoolwork, I am an absolute imbecile. Anyway, so it's 5 a.m. on Friday. I have a test today at 2, and in the meantime I will be writing several articles and papers that I should have done in the semester. but nooooo.... I had to wait until the absolute last day. I don't know what's wrong with me. So, some good news, I will be moving into a bigger room. It's in the same apt, but just across the way. I was thinking for a bit, maybe it wasn't worth it, because it's a little more expensive, but then I look back at my cramped little room, and I'm like... well... I do like more room. But then, now since I'm not at school it's not like I'm gonna need the study room and stuff. Maybe I should double it as an office? lol. right... for what? Anyway, I need a full time job. I have a part time right now, but I want a full-time to where I'll actually be gaining experience for stuff. I just don't know what to do. And then I have that whole -still trying to find a literary agent- thing to work on. And I haven't been able to find a ride to the airport, so I guess I'll just have to park there. Agh. I'm just not really happy with myself right now.

Embedded in the book store with no particular flavor in mind

So... I'm here at B+N, and I'm not finding anything particularly interesting. I'm trying to read 2 books I brought with me, but today they are not particularly interesting. I have 3 finals this week, and should be focusing on that, but since I slept 19 hours today. (Yes, 19. I was shocked too.) I want to be awake for quite a time. Therefore, I have coffee. As usual. I had a meal today, but yet again, it wasn't particularly interesting and I wasn't sitting sitting with any friends or anything so this might be just cause as to the feeling. I only have 1 week left, and then I will be off to Texas on Monday. I should make the most out of this week. So, I will be on a job hunt soon, but now that I'm looking at what actual options I have to work with, I might just extend my part-time to a full time. It's quite annoying. Also, I worked on my poetry manuscript last night, and wrote a 3-page poem. Now I'm rocking to my David Crowder mix on Pandora, not to make up for the fact that I missed church today, but I do love his music and others similar, and I probably need some spiritual stimulation today anyway. I'm surrounded by marketing right now, and sometimes I believe I can market better than these people anyway. Ugh, I hate being in this state where I'm stuck. The semester's practically over, so now the only things I have left to do are 3 tests left, and work, and a few papers (which I'll do tomorrow). I need to find a ride to the airport. Hm. just Hm. yup. Hm. la dee dahhhhhhda. I don't think they should be playing Christmas music yet, but that being said it's been playing for like a month now which is absolutely absurd. Well, it went back to the fifties again, but it will probably be back to the 30s in about a day. I just want to have a literary agent already so I know that my project is really in progress, but I wish I just had more patience. I am trying my best as a writer to have at least 1 thing a day, and I won't be a full-time writer or something b/c that's just not reasonable. Well... I suppose I'll just keep on walking, and the next week shall prove most entertaining. And I get to see my family agian :) And a debate reunion, and all that good stuff. Oh, the joy of finals week.

Like A Boss

I feel like I have my own private office. I'm in the library at 2:18 a.m. and almost no one is here, so I'm at the very very end In one of these cubicle-things that has a door and everything that's usually used for groups. I have my music playing, and everything just sprawled out on the table. I'm using the chairs like a lounger and all that as well. Yeah, I could get used to this. Anyway... can't get to sleep, and I have work at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so I'll probably stay here til like 4 a.m. max. I'm also trying to be constructive an write poetry, or try to get through a bit of literary theory or a Dawkin's book I brought with me. I think I'm in a writing rut. I'm writing about the same thing basically. It manifests itself in different ways, with slightly different tones, but they're practically about the same thing. I think I might consolidate these into one ginormous poem, but I don't know if that will defeat the purpose of what they actually represent or not. Hm... So... yeah... just wanted to report in a bit since I'm just kinda fiddling the night away.

Weddings and Experiments

I had a dream about a wedding a few weeks ago that I forgot to post. I don't remember many of the details, but it started out with my mom and me on a trail ride, and this random guy comes up and gives me a knife, wound in leather, and is trying to advertise. He suggests I keep the knife. He follows us to the barn and I try to tell my mom that he has some good leather, which is a misunderstanding because apparently he only sells blades. So, then there is a suburban, which is next to this playing field, and apparently, when only 2 kids competed each other each year, now there are 5 kids (2 new families involved) one of the newer kids wins, and there is a bit of distrust between the kids. In the meantime, there are 4 small white dogs in the car (I think they were puppy-cut malteses) and I kept rolling down the windows so they could have air flowing through, but someone kept rolling them up, I found out who it was, and told them why I kept rolling the windows down. After that they stopped, but she (one of the new moms) gave me a look like "don't tell me what to do b*tch". Anyway, so apparently these kids continue to grow up together? Somehow the dream goes on a complete tangent, and we are now on the precipice of a wedding (MY wedding), but somehow I can't get there because there has been foul play. This has to do with swords and spells somehow (I think in the dream I was a character like Sabrina the teenage witch) this somehow relates to the knife earlier mentioned and the new kids, which are now adults, which 2 guys are the ones interfering with the wedding. Anyway, some investigating and running and action sequence gets done, and I arrive just in time to replace my impostor and share a blueberry coffee cake with my beloved. (His face isn't quite clear, but apparently blueberry cake is our thing) Then, there is a table of potluck cakes, which everyone is sampling, and I recognize this character (I think in the dream her name is Victoria), who has tried to steal my boyfriend, now husband, in the past. I comment on her cake, which is mainly cream filling, and she says not to bring up any history about how she tried to steal my husband, because she's clearly over him.

So... that's the dream. This is actually a pretty NORMAL one for me as you may know. I've had some freakishly wierd dreams in the past. Some things you should know: I'm single, i'm not married, have never been engaged, and have never had anybody try to steal my boyfriend from me.

Last thursday I went hiking b/c it was a free day for Veteran's Day. We went to the holyoke range. Here are some pics:





And from this weekend:
ha ha, I love people on saturday nights, so much fun! so, amongst my travels tonight, I made people laugh by doing a ghetto walk across the street in front of my audience (the ppl at the bus stop). talked with a guy who was practicing his forms by the campus pond for about 30 min about martial arts, sang "like a G6" to various groups. (guys only = laugh, girls only = sing a long, mixed = laugh). Talked to another guy about my experiments, charities, and name confusion. Went to get hot chocolate at the gas station, then sang with my ipod on the way home. On the way, some trippy kids asked me for directions. I love this stuff. (Btw, I live i a college town so.. all of the people out are college kids)

Grease Lightnin'!

Well, actually caught some breakfast this morning...so, now i'm waiting for my coffee to cool down... the people next to me are talking about normal stuff. how interesting. so... I've been posting to this forum lately called personality cafe, and it's pretty cool so far. It's mainly about the MBTI test, cognitive functions, and stuff like that, but pretty much every topic gets talked about. I'm sonicdrink on there too, so if you join you can look me up. I swear, the people next to me are the people I don't want to approach, because I know I could never hold an interesting conversation with them...well, I don't remember if i posted this last time or not, but I will not be going to school next semester b/c of financial reasons. I'll prolly work full time. So, let's see...oh, I got a job at amherst farmer's supply, so I'm a cashier and it works with my schedule, which is great b/c it's crazy this semester. I broke out the leather jacket today, so I feel perdy cool. :o) Oh, and I'm done with midterms, thank goodness. btw, I got an A on my linguistics midterm.

Ouch.

Ok, I officially have to go to the eye doctor, b/c my vision sucks! I haven't had a problem w/it til this year. UGH. I hate it so. Anyway, just in sci fic class watching some old movie witch they are using a mirror of upside down manner to make them look like they are on the bottom side of a space ship sanding up. Anyway, so I just finished my linguistics midterm. Omg, I hope I passed. My gosh, who knew 9 questions could be so brutal. I have a spanish midterm next, and was gonna review w/a video I made a few years ago in a spanish class w/some friends, but I couldn't hold in my laughter, and since I'm in class I judged this wasn't a good idea... I'm gonna have to write a midterm paper tonight for anthropology. I guess I'll actually read the books, and the make a giant synopsis... Whatever....Oooh, the suspense in this movie is killing me.... there's a guy just a floating in space b/c he was stupid and disconnected his rope. I really don't remember the name of this movie but i think it was made in the 50s... So I'm wearing purple to support the anti gay bully thing. I know that sounds like it undermines it, but I'm just being very abrupt. On another note, I probably won't be able to go to college next semester for financial reasons, but it should be fine for the semester after that, so it's all good. Yet another note, it costs $1200 to get to Armenia at the cheapest. I'm gonna try to do the priceline negotiator thing and see if I can get something for $900. That's about it for now!

firework fountain

So, lately my creativity has been spilling out exponentially. I don't know if this is because I'm in a new environment, or because I've been tacking it down a bit more lately. I'm so full of ideas! I'm pretty much always full of ideas, it's just how I am, but lately I've been wanting to do so much more! I'm still in the process of filling up my poetry book, and since I've been writing it down more, I guess my own words inspire me. Also, I've been chatting on a forum with people who talk about personality and cognitive functions, so this helps expand my range on what I know of people. This has inspired yet another idea I will talk to the psych dept about -- A Live Forum. People will walk in with about 10 convos going on with a computer and a giant notepad. Notepad will entitle the convo, and the computer will help serve as the internet access of regular forums, such as links to videos, articles, and the like to be projected for the group to see/hear. When the convo changes, the new topic will be posted as the new bullet on the board, if you want to leave your convo for that one, feel free to do so, that's what it's for. I believe it would be an awesome experiment. On another note, I haven't been drawing as much lately, oh well. Also, this whole I can't work out b/c I'm sick thing is getting really annoying. I want to get back to fencing!! Grr. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....
So, those are some of my thoughts. My other ones go out to the bursar's office. Will I be able to finish the semester? The year? Can I get other loans? Can I admitted next year if I take a break? Next thing - I may get a job soon, yay! Amherst farmers supply as the part-time floater. as long as i'm getting some money i should be fine. next note - I've had random intermittent vomiting so I'll be taking a barium swallow soon and see what's going on in there. Lordy. Next thing.... I should prolly go to sleep soon but i just had 2 cups of coffee. Next thing, I found a lutheran church. Who knew that at a school with over 25000 students, that only 2-4 lutherans would actually attend church. Staggering results, I know. Proximo, I got a haircut, it's short. I like it, but don't think I'll be going this short again. I'll make the best out of it while it lasts though. That should be it for today. Well, yes, there's still a lot on my mind I would like to express, but that would be a rather long blog post wouldn't it? I guess it does make up for about the month I've missed...

[Bai][Bai]